Post your best clean joke here.

[Bolaberlim]

A married woman has a very special friend that she entertains when her husband is not around.
When her friend is there she locks her 9 year old son in the closet under the pretext that they playing hide and seek.
One day her husband arrives while her friend is still in the house, the friend runs to hide in the same closer where her son is. After a while, the kid says:

- ...It's dark in here...

-hmm.... Yep

-I have a tennis ball...

- hmm... that's nice!

-Wanna buy it?

- Sure! How much?

-25 bucks

- What!!!! No way am I paying 25 bucks for a tennis ball!

- Ok, maybe I should ask my dad if he wants to buy it...

-OK, OK, I'll buy it!

A few days later the husband shows up again and the friend has to hide in the closet again. The kid stands there for a while and says:

- ...It's dark in here...

-hmm.... Yep

-I have a tennis racket here, do you like it?...

- hmm... yes, that's nice!

-Wanna buy it?

Remembering his last deal the guy says:

- I don't know... How much?

-125 bucks

- What!!!! No way am I paying 125 bucks for a kids tennis racket! That's just too much!

- Ok, maybe I should ask my dad if he wants to buy it...

-NOOO, OK, OK, I'll buy it, now give me that thing!

So a few weeks later, the friend is at the house again when the husband shows up early. Yep, you guessed it! He goes into the closet again!

- ...It's dark in here...

-hmm.... yes... yes it is...

-I have cool tennis shoes...

- hmm... yes you do...

-Wanna buy them?

- I don't think so...

- Are you sure?

- How much are they?

-500 bucks


The guy almost chokes...

-$500???

- Yes


By now he knows the drill so he just forks over the money...

The next weekend the kid is playing with his father, and the father says, HEY!! Why don't you get your tennis gear and we go play some tennis!

- Sorry dad, but I sold my gear to a friend.

- You sold it? For how much?

- $650 !

- WHAT!! Son, you tricked one of your friends into paying you $650 for your tennis gear? Shame on you! We're going to the church right now so you can confess your sins!

The father takes his son into church and praticaly throws him into the confessionary.

A small window opens and the priest says with a calm voice: speak my son...

The Kid sits still for a while and says:

- ... - ...It's dark in here...

- AWH comme on!! You're not going to pull that crap again!!!

[Janne]

I love Priest jokes!

[various121]

A man visibly drunk stumbles into a bar and sits down:

Drunk: Gimme a drink
Bartender: No, you're hammered. Take a cab home.

The drunk stumbles out, walks into another bar...

Drunk: I wannadrink NOW
Bartender: No, you're visibly intoxicated already, I can't serve you. Please leave.

The drunk curses, falls of his chair and leaves. He walks into a third bar...

Drunk: Don't give me no lip, I wanna drink, NOW.
Bartender: Seriously dude, it doesn't matter if you walk through our front, side or back door. You're not getting a drink either way.

[Monocrom]

A policeman notices an old man sitting on the curb, crying. Concerned, the policeman walks over to him; and asks what's wrong.

"Oh Officer. Every morning I wake up in the softest bed I've ever slept in. My breakfast is made by a young woman who looks like the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She's my wife. After breakfast, she massages my entire body. Even my feet. She never argues or complains. She brings me beer whenever I ask for it, and always with a warm smile smile on her face. Sometimes she invites over her best friend who is also extremely attractive and just as attentive to my needs. Her best friend often stays over and we all enjoy each other's company."

The policeman is confused. He finally asks, "But why are you crying?"

The old man looks up at the policeman and replies, "Because I've forgotten where I live."

[Monocrom]

I love Priest jokes!

Here's one with a Priest in it . . .

A drunken homeless man stumbles down the street, with a bottle in one hand. He encounters another homeless man and asks, "Do you drink?" The 2nd one replies that he does. The first simply shakes his head and keeps walking. He encounters another homeless man further down the street and asks, "Do you drink?" This one also says yes. Once again, he shakes his head and continues walking down the street.

This time, he encounters a Priest who is handing out sandwiches and juice to the homeless men who frequent the neighborhood. The drunken homeless man walks up to the Priest and asks, "Do you drink?"

"Certainly not." Replies the Priest.

The drunken homeless man smiles, hands him the bottle, and says, "Great! Here hold this for a second."

The drunken homeless man then bends over and ties his shoelace before taking the bottle back from the Priest, and heading further down the street; at a much faster pace.

(Okay, I borrowed that one from Benny Hill.)

[Seele]

Here is a re-run of one of my old WIS jokes:


After a nice dinner date, he invites her to his apartment.

Sitting in the sofa, he asks her, "would it be alright if I switch off the kitchen light?" She says, "yes please!"

Then he asks her, "can I switch off the hallway light?" She says, "please do!"

Then he asks, "can I switch off the sitting room light?" She says, "yes please!"

Sitting next to each other in the dark, she is filled with excitement and anticipation; he leans towards her and whispers in her ear......



















"Hey, check out the lume on my watch!"

[Lew]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

[Monocrom]

An old man and his wife come home after seeing their grand-daughter get engaged. The wife has a tear in her eye. The old man asks if everything is okay. The wife takes him upstairs to the attic. She tells him she has something to show him. She opens up an old trunk. Inside is $10,000 and two ears of corn. Confused, the husband asks why the corn is in the trunk.

Wife says, "We've been married over 50 years. Each time I've cheated on you, I've bought an ear of corn and placed it in this trunk."

Husband is a bit upset. However, he calms down quickly. He realizes that two indiscretions in over 50 years of marriage isn't bad. It isn't great. But realistically speaking, it really isn't bad. Then, he asks his wife about the $10,000.

Wife says, "Every time the trunk got full, I sold the corn for $5 for a dozen."

[falcon4311]

Here is a re-run of one of my old WIS jokes:


After a nice dinner date, he invites her to his apartment.

Sitting in the sofa, he asks her, "would it be alright if I switch off the kitchen light?" She says, "yes please!"

Then he asks her, "can I switch off the hallway light?" She says, "please do!"

Then he asks, "can I switch off the sitting room light?" She says, "yes please!"

Sitting next to each other in the dark, she is filled with excitement and anticipation; he leans towards her and whispers in her ear......

"Hey, check out the lume on my watch!"

Very appropriate.

[falcon4311]

I can just picture this happening...I'm Irish by the way.


An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.