Post your best clean joke here.

[falcon4311]

Many years ago, two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word, 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister is a blond. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly...
'com-for-da-bul.'

[dbakiva]

A man walks into a talent agents office ...

No, wait. I can't tell that one here.

[00Photo]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[falcon4311]

Well done!! I enjoyed that.

[Monocrom]

A woman is tired of living alone. She walks into the pet shop to get a companion. The shop owner tells her that she should get a pet that can talk to her. She thinks about it, then decides he's right. The woman tells the shop owner that she's allergic to birds. So, buying a parrot is out of the question. The owner thinks about this problem for a few seconds before telling her about Frank.

Frank is a dog that can talk. Problem is, Frank got run over by a car a few months back. The Vet put him back together again as best as he could. Frank can't run anymore. But he can still walk and talk. Shop owner has had a huge problem finding a good home for Frank, since no one wants to pay good money for a crippled dog. The woman asks to see Frank. The owner brings him out. Frank isn't just crippled, but ugly too. Still, he talks. Best part is, he's still a dog. So, he'll be loyal to any owner who takes care of him and loves him. Frank and the woman soon become very close. He's a good dog. Never gets on her nerves, knows his place, reminds the woman of things she planned to do that day if she forgets.

One night, while walking Frank, the woman decides to get a drink at a Bar that recently opened up. As they pass the window to reach the front door, Frank says "Hey, I know the bartender. His name is Tony. He used to stop by the pet shop all the time when he was younger. He even stopped by once after my accident. He's a good guy."

So the woman and Frank walk in. As soon as they do, Tony shouts at them! "Hey!! You can't come in here with that ugly thing! It'll have to wait outside!"

Frank turns to Tony and says, "Aww, come on Tony . . . She's a decent person. At least let her stay for one drink."

Tony replies, "Okay. But only because she's with you."

[Janne]

I would like to tell my best joke, " The honeymooners and the Bumblebee" but I can not.

[dbakiva]

Rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender says: "Where the hell you get that?"

Parrot says: "Brooklyn. They got thousands of them."

(heard from Robin Williams)

[falcon4311]

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull;tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

[Otto Phan]

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull;tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

I hate to fly and the Southwest people with their humor are always a source of comfort.

[Otto Phan]

A traveling salesman's car breaks down and he is picked up by a farmer. On the way into to town, the salesman notices that the farmer has a 3 legged pig in the back of the truck.

Salesman "Hey, that's odd, you have a 3 legged pig"

Farmer "That my friend is my most prized possession. One night, our farmhouse was on fire. That pig woke us all up and we got out just in time. That is a special pig."

Salesman "is that when he lost his leg?"

Farmer "Nope. One day, my boy had a tractor accident while workin the field. That pig ran all the way back home, was hit by a truck and still made it to let us know there was trouble. That is one special pig"

Salesman "Oh, that's when he lost his leg?"

(The farmer shakes his head.)

Farmer "Son, when you have a pig that special, you don't eat him all at once...."